I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
