I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
