I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
