I met the friendliest cop last night
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
