At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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