Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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