Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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