i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
