proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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