all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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