My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
