I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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