We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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