OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I want to fling myself into the sun
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
