Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
