My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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