We're facebook friends in real life
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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