Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
