Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
