peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
