I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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