my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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