Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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