ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
