Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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