Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
