you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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