I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Randomize
