Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
