Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
