I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
