I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
