You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
