If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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