we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
