i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
