god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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