a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
