using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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