Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
