hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
