It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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