if only i could text you this smell
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
