and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
