Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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