My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
