The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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