apparently the secret to your success is patron
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
