I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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