i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
